Probably THE most important lesson we here at FM.com have learned is how to handle conflict in a relationship. It is a given that you will disagree at some point in your marriage, most assuredly more than once. How you approach those disagreements can break your marriage or make it stronger.

While there is no patented 100% guaranteed "right" way to handle a dispute, there are quite a few patented 100% guaranteed wrong ways to choose from!

Wrong, Wrong, Wrong!

Are you the kind of person who just can't resist getting a "zinger" off on your spouse in an argument?

Perhaps you might be the sort who, when irritated by your spouse's behavior, deliberately acts in a way that irritates them back, rather than addressing the actual problem?

Maybe you are the type who emotionally draws away, thinking to yourself, "she should just KNOW why I'm so mad and I'm not speaking to her until she figures it out!"

Any one of these approaches are normal, probably even typical, and are played out every day by millions of married couples. But do they actually solve problems?

Point Scoring

There is an old saying, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"

What does that mean? Simply put, sometimes to win, you must "lose". If you are in the middle of a heated argument and you hurl insults, or "put straight" your spouse with pointed comments, do you really think you're winning? I can tell you right now, the answer is a big fat NO. All you are doing is antagonizing the very person you are trying to browbeat into see things "your way". You may be absolutely convinced that you are right, but guess what? So is your spouse.

Passive-Aggressive

Let's say your husband has the seemingly magical ability to not see the huge pile of dirty laundry that has been piling up for a week and driving you crazy. Instead of asking him to clean it up, you instead "accidentally forget" to pick up his dry-cleaning. Has this behavior solved the initial problem? No, it hasn't. In fact, it is highly likely that your husband still hasn't got a clue that you are angry, or why, and now he's irritated with YOU! Rather than helping, you have provoked a negative response, which can, in turn, leave you feeling misunderstood and sorry for yourself. Left unchecked, the cumulative effects of this sort of damaging behavior can lead to the total breakdown of what might be an otherwise happy marriage.

The Cold Shoulder

Withdrawing affection and ignoring your loved one because they should just "know" how you feel, will always, ALWAYS, lead to frustration, hurt feelings and real emotional pain. When you give someone the silent treatment, what you are really doing is slamming the door on any possibility of resolving the issue at hand. All you've done is set up your spouse to fail - for none of us are mind readers. And how can you hash out a problem if you're not speaking to each other?

I'm sure that we have all tried each, if not all, of these methods at some point in time and if we are totally honest with ourselves, we have to admit they just don't work.

What does work, then?

The Golden Rule

Remember as a child learning "The Golden Rule"?

"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you".

Apply it. It's that simple. Treat your partner the way you want to be treated.

I'm not recommending some sort of draconian enforcement of your own ideals onto your partner. Everyone is different and every couple has different standards of what is acceptable, and what is not, within their relationship.

What I'm suggesting is that you be aware of the effects your actions have on your spouse. Take a moment to vividly imagine what it is like to be your other half. You know them intimately; can you feel what it's like to be insulted, aggravated or ignored by the one you love? Would it make you happy if they were treating YOU that way? Would it make you want to be a better partner, or just tick you off even more?

Do you think you argue too much with your spouse? Does your spouse think you argue too much? Do you each blame the other for what is wrong? I am aware that often times BOTH partners behave badly; but if you want to maintain a healthy relationship, one that can withstand anything that's thrown at it, SOMEBODY has to bite the bullet and just stop. That somebody might as well be YOU! Take a deep breath and stop cycling through the same old routines that leave you both feeling frustrated and unhappy.

When you see that next argument coming, STOP and ask yourself, "what's the real point he/she is trying to express here?" It can become very easy to lapse into an oppositional stance out of sheer habit, particularly if it's an old, longstanding argument that has been gone over repeatedly. Try and put your anger and resentment to one side and really listen to what your other half is trying to say.

Are they just blowing off steam? Or do they have a valid point? It is an extremely difficult exercise in self-control, no doubt about it. But if you can manage to put yourself in their shoes and treat your partner with respect and civility, you will be amazed at how quickly conflicts that threaten to escalate into World War III can be nipped in the bud.

There is a catch to this; you have to be consistent! Once you start practicing The Golden Rule, you can't stop putting your spouse first for a day, or even for a minute. Now, I can hear you saying, "Right, but what about when she's throwing the frying pan at my head?!"

Anger must be met with compassion. If you're wrong, then you're wrong, and you need to learn how to admit it with grace. But more importantly, if you're right, then the middle of a screaming match is NOT the time to push that point. Walking away and allowing you both a "cool-down" is always a good option, as is steadfastly maintaining your cool in the face of rage.

Being on the receiving end of anger is certainly no fun and it's only human nature to try and defend yourself! But it's your responsibility to try to understand where you failed. Remember, you can only be held accountable for your own words and deeds; try your best to make sure they are worthy of someone else's love.

It's also important to recognize that some disagreements may never be fully resolved; but if handled with love and compassion, you might be able to make a compromise that you can both live with.

Whether you or not you are religious, The Golden Rule is, if nothing else, an important ethical and moral truth, and one that if you embrace whole-heartedly can make a "so-so" marriage a deeply fulfilling and long-lasting one instead.