There is a huge difference between a simple argument and a serious fight. Arguing about which channel to watch on TV, or who has to get up and let the dog out first thing in the morning, is a completely normal component of any relationship.

However, if a simple argument about what channel to watch turns into a massive screaming match that somehow involves your mother (and what's wrong with her) then you have a problem. We've all been there - the fights when you say things out of anger that you don't mean for the sole purpose of causing emotional pain. Granted, many times it is a reaction to emotional pain that your spouse has already slung your way, but knowing that doesn't make either of you feel any better, does it?

Lisa and I probably have, on average, at least one argument every week or so. We are both highly opinionated people and we are both usually convinced we are right and the other is wrong! So what stops our arguments from turning into serious fighting? Simply the fact that when we do argue, we keep ourselves in check to a very high degree and only allow the argument to proceed as long as it's being civilized and productive.

How do we manage to do this? We finally woke up to the fact that you can't change anyone but yourself. To paraphrase Gandhi, "Be the change want to see in others.". In other words, model the behavior you would like to see from your spouse. If you wouldn't want to be nagged, then don't nag. If you don't like being screamed at, then don't be a screamer. If you hate being ignored, then don't ignore your spouse.

If you find yourselves going round and round in circles, replaying the same angry routines that get you nowhere, you need to stop and rethink your strategy. And one of, if not THE most important actions you can take to avoid conflict is to set boundaries within your marriage.

I'm not talking about trying to control your spouse or somehow "change" them. I'm also not talking about denying or restricting your own feelings in any way. It is impossible to set boundaries on another person, only on yourself.

What I am saying is that if you think your marriage has a problem, you should take the first step and try to solve it. I can hear you say, "why should I do it, it's not me it's them!" That's a decent question. I can only answer - will protesting "but that's not fair!" solve that problem? I am again reminded of the old saying, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?".

Let me go back to my example of the way Lisa and I disagree. When we are discussing an issue and it starts to get heated, one of us always puts a stop to it.

What do I mean by "puts a stop to it" ?

Well, exactly that! One of us will say, "OK, stop! This isn't something we need to argue about right now. You're mad and I'm furious - clearly we aren't going to see eye-to-eye. " We set a cool-off time of 5 minutes (or 5 hours or 5 days) and come back and discuss the issue after we've both had a chance to phrase our opinions in ways that hopefully won't anger each other.

Now before I continue, please don't think that we miraculously developed this skill out of the blue. On the contrary! Lisa and I both were shouters by nature, and were both prone to say hurtful things in a futile attempt to "win" an argument. We were getting nowhere and I was sick of it. The shouting, the storming out of the room, the childish remarks .... and that was just me!

Enough was enough! I decided to stop acting like a two year old myself! In the face of her anger, I tried to treat her with unconditional love, dignity and respect. I also told her that while I couldn't stop her from losing her temper and shouting at me, I could and would (and did), remove myself temporarily from her presence. She didn't like it at first; old habits die hard. But she gradually began to appreciate this method and successfully adapted it herself. By my changing my actions, by setting a boundary on myself, we were freed from a very destructive behavior pattern. It was NOT an easy thing to do, but it has made our marriage much stronger than it was before.

By taking responsibility for yourself and your own words and deeds first, you open the door for positive changes within your marriage. Be the change you want to see!

This Article continues this topic in more detail!

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