There has been much discussion on this website about the importance of communication in marriage. We've talked about treating your spouse with respect, listening instead of hearing and doing things that show them how much you value them.

However, it sometimes happens that two people are doing all the right things but they're just not speaking the same "language of love". By "language of love", I mean a set of mutually agreed on actions and terms that directly communicates the message "you mean everything to me" and leaves no room for doubt.

The trap that many of us fall into is assuming that what makes us feel good will work just as well on our spouses, but that is not always the case. For example, a husband gets up at 6am and washes his wife's car, changes the oil, checks the tires and fills it with gas, all before she wakes up. To him, this is an extremely loving gesture, one that he would definitely appreciate. However, his wife, who has no interest in cars at all, may not "get" why that's a big deal and wishes he had just gotten up with the baby instead of fooling around with that darn car!

The unfortunate consequence of a genuinely heartfelt action is that he may be left feeling resentful that she didn't respond well (the "why do I bother" reaction). Even worse, she remains completely clueless of his loving intentions and doesn't understand why he's suddenly gone so moody!

You must have a conversation with your spouse about what it is exactly that makes them feel loved or you may end up just spinning your emotional wheels getting nowhere. The goal is to sit down together and come up with a list of love-affirming gestures that can be done on a daily basis; think of it as small deposits into your shared emotional bank!

Whether it's just saying I love you every day, rubbing their feet when they're tired or cuddling up together for a few minutes each night, the important thing to remember here is that your other half understands the language you're speaking!